This was originally published as "Writers and Mental Illness" in June 2020.
This isn't a very fun subject to discuss, but it's an important one. In my twenties, I was diagnosed with a "Major Depressive Disorder with Anxiety." It has over the years impeded my productivity, which is why I posted this original post -- after having not posted anything for months.
It's so hard explaining depression to people, and that's because depression is a confusing and frustrating condition. It makes no sense. It leaves no outward physical signs. It's all internal. And often I don't know what's going to trigger me until I actually get triggered. All I can do is try to be more careful next time.
I'm also starting to believe everyone's depression is different. It's a shapeshifter. A trickster. Depressives may share some common symptoms such as the negative thinking and feelings of hopelessness, but from what I've experienced we each have a little extra something-something.
When my depression flares up, it's often accompanied by tension headaches -- I've compared it to having storm clouds in my head. That tension will run all the way down my neck and into my shoulders and back. I'd go as far as to call it physical damage left behind from battling my negative thoughts (aka my demons). That's why depressives get so tired and listless. We've been spending hours and hours fighting with our minds, trying to get them under control again.
Mental illness has been getting more attention these days, which is great. But there are still so many people out there convinced that it's a choice and not a condition. Believe me it's not! I don't choose to fall into such a deep pit of despair where I'm wondering if life is worth living. Who in the hell would actually choose that?
I had some not so great care in the beginning. Most of the "experts" I saw tried to convince me that after a few rounds of medication and a handful of therapy sessions I'd be okay. It wasn't until, later on, I realized that is not the case. This is a condition I'm going to live with for the rest of my life, and I need to learn how to manage it.
I'm not knocking medication. It does serve a purpose. It's the foundation that supports the rest of my treatment. I've heard people knock therapy, saying therapists don't "do anything." Yes, they do. Their job is to get you thinking about your own mind, get you to ask yourself important questions, and help you draw important conclusions. We're not fixing a car. We're talking about the human mind. It's a little more complex than even a combustion engine.
Therapy has helped me greatly. I was lucky to meet a particular therapist who was an expert in EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). I made the most growth working with him. He was the first therapist to realize I also suffered from Complex PTSD (the results of a not very happy childhood).
EMDR basically helps you rewire your brain. After a lifetime of negative and destructive thought patterns, paths literally get carved into your brain. You have no choice but to go down them. You've known nothing else. EMDR has helped me pave over those old paths and helped me forge healthier new ones.
On top of that, I make sure to get plenty of exercise, eat right, get enough sleep, and maintain that precious work-life balance.
As far as how my depression relates to my creativity ...
There is the romanticized notion of the Tortured Artist, and why not? Many great artists, painters such Vincent Van Gogh and Salvador Dali, and authors such as Ernest Hemingway and Slyvia Plath, have all dealt with some form of mental illness.
In the case of Bipolars, they may be more productive during periods of Mania. There is no conclusive evidence that being mentally ill makes your creative, but there are cases that support the idea that mental illness can aid in creativity. However, it is generally agreed that mental illness does not have to be present for creativity to exist. I've also come across evidence that creative people are more prone to mental illness. Biology is also a factor.
I don't feel qualified to discuss this medically in depth. I can only speak from personal experience.
I remember one time while I was in a writers' group, I brought up my depression, and a member of group asked if I could "use it" in my writing. The answer is an emphatic no.
Depression gets in the way of my writing. It gets in the way of EVERYTHING. It often leaves me with no motivation to do anything. In fact, my depression will trigger my imagination and send me spiraling into all sorts of doomsday/worst case scenario thinking.
Lately though, I've wondered if my depression has influenced my writing on some level. After all, all those dark feelings and thoughts need to be expressed somehow.
Maybe depression is the flip side of my creativity. When writing, I am pushing my mind to its limits. Maybe the depression is the result of going too far sometimes? It's the price I pay for my creativity.
On the other hand, my creativity -- my stories -- have ended long bouts of depression too. It wasn't easy. I really had to force myself. It was like walking through hell to get to heaven. One of these trips resulted in the completion of my book, Illumina.
Writing, creating new worlds and characters, fills me with hope. The process, in and of itself, brings me a level of peace and joy nothing else does. At the risk of sounding crazy, I'd go as far as to say that writing is a spiritual experience for me.
So, for anyone out there who is experiencing depression, mania, or anxiety, do not hold it in, ignore it, or think you can simply distract yourself from it, and it will go away. No, it will not go away on its own, although it may seem like it at times. Remember, it's a shapeshifter. A trickster.
Above all, do not be ashamed of it. There are people out there who will try to invalidate what you're experiencing, saying you're "being oversensitive" or "making a big deal out of nothing." They'll tell you to "just get over it" or "lighten up." Like I said before, they think depression is a choice and not a condition.
Don't pay any attention to these people. Your thoughts and your feelings are meaningful and valid, despite what others might tell you. Seek professional help and hold on to the people in your life who will truly support you in this process. There is no quick cure. No magic pill. It is ongoing. It can be frustrating and challenging at times, but don’t give up, hang in there. I assure you it is worth it.
